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This is a blog about Truth, Justice and the American Way. The stories are true. No names have been changed to protect anyone's identity, including my own. If the story is about me, then I'll say so right up front. If I don't use a name to identify whom the story is about, then it's because it's not relevant. So please do not call me or e-mail me with your kind condolences or unwarranted congratulations about something that you believe is a cleverly disguised bio from my alter ego. These stories, like my photo, are unretouched.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Feng Shui Your Ride!

Gee, Feng Shui for a car?  I just can’t see it, even though I do try to keep an open mind.  For instance, my BFF Bernice (she always says that while she appreciates being my best friend, she frankly worries what the other “F” stands for) rotated her dining room table because her interior designer said it was better feng shui for the room.  And, Lord knows, Bernice is making a lot more money than I am, and has classier dinner parties to boot, so who am I to argue?  Still……

I know someone else who got paid good money for installing a Bagua (Pa Kua) Mirror in a mutual friend’s home as a way of manipulating the negative outside energies.   Talk about negative outside energy – she would have been better off with a divorce lawyer if you ask me, but I suppose buying a mirror in a octagonal red wooden frame was cheaper.  And she can always use the mirror in her next marriage.

In my own home, I use the Yin-Yang theory in which the interacting forces of Yin (feminine) and Yang (masculine) keep us deeply interconnected.  As an example, the Yin closet is the big closet in our master bedroom.  And, not wanting to mix these universal forces, the Yang closet (for my husband’s clothes) is in the small guest bedroom down the hall.  OK, in all honesty, his clothes occupy half of that closet because I need the other half for my hats.   And in the bathroom, the Yang is exceptionally good about always putting the toilet seat down after use because he fears the Yin ch’i when certain people sit down in the middle of the night and get nothing but porcelain.   Trust me, nothing good can come from that.

Anyway, I thought I was pretty hip about this stuff until my blog-friend Diane alerted me to an article from the Ford Motor Company entitled, Ford Offers Feng Shui Concepts to Create a Calm, Organized Vehicle All Year Long.”  Well, as you can imagine, this article answered so many questions about what’s wrong with my life (and Brad’s too).   Just look at the accompanying diagram and you’ll see the problems right away. 




First of all, according to their diagram, my poor husband (who is a creative director) has all of his creativity stuck in the rear passenger wheel well.  Bummer!  That would explain his client who keeps going round and round the copy choices he has given her without ever making a decision so they can move forward.  Hello!

Also, 75% of the wealth and relationship energy reside outside the body of the car. That doesn’t bode well for the folks riding inside.  It might go a long way toward explaining our bank account, however.

On the other hand, the knowledge ch’i appears to be right smack dab in the middle of the driver’s seat, which my husband will happily embrace since he thinks that he is ALWAYS right even when passes a perfectly good parking spot or doesn’t move into the right hand lane until it is too late and then curses the other drivers who won’t let him in. I’m just sayin….

The Ford folks want us to put a medal or an icon or a picture in the glove box to reduce stress. Right now, all I have in the glove box is my vehicle registration, insurance card, the owners manual and a stale candy bar.  Since I’m Jewish, a medal or an icon probably won’t do it.  Maybe I’ll toss a “Happy Face” sticker in there so that at least I’ll remember to“have a nice day.”

I wanted to do further research, but when I Googled “feng shui your car,” I got 2,230,000 hits, a smattering of which showed that in order to have proper “feng shuiness” (yes, it’s the word that is actually used), I need to:
  • Choose the lucky color according to my individual feng shui chart (I guess my husband is SOL)
  • Choose the day of purchase that is positive according to my feng shui calendar (gee, we chose the day based on when we could afford to buy it)
  • Ring with hand bells inside the car to purify the energy (giving new definition to the term “Baby, ring my bell”)
  • Scatter sea salt on the car floor carpets to absorb negative energy (careful – that stuff will hurt like hell when it gets into any scratches you got on the beach)
  • Order license plates with only lucky numbers (our Prius says 62MPG)
  • And above all, do not hang crystals or anything on the rear view mirror, since it draws away the attention of the dragon from your protection. 
I don’t know about you, but I hate it when the attention of the dragon is drawn away from my protection.   I wonder how the dragon feels about air bags?

Are we having fun yet?

41 comments:

  1. First of all love the post.. because never in a million years would I think of feng shui for a car! Looking at your diagram.. does it matter what side of the road you are driving on? UK/Aussie or US? and.. I read somewhere that you are supposed to put goldfish near the door to attract money... hmm it's not like you could hang them in front of each window for fear of upsetting the dragon.
    Second thoughts, I'll just go about it like you, "lucky day" the day I can afford a new one! After that every day will be a "lucky day" as long as I don't scrape it down a wall... which I'm just so darn good at! :)

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    1. Claire, does it count if the Goldfish are feckin' DEAD??????

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  2. Geesh! I thought trying to use SEO to optimize my blog without incurring the wrath of Google was challenging but the thought of having to feng shui my vehicle is enough to make my head spin. Fun post Kay. Please keep us posted if you figure out how the dragon feels about air bags. :)

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  3. I thought this was a joke until I googled "fung shui car" and really did get over two million different places to look for information about this subject. This is just nuts.
    I know what you mean about the toilet seat, however. Leave the seat up on me and we'll talk about some bad karma. You are lucky to have such a well-trained husband. Now can't you use some of that good training on your dragon? Sit, Ubu, sit!

    Ronnie
    Washington State

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  4. Your Prius license plate is more hype & hope than
    truth... In retrospect Advertizing has gone from cute to banal and reaches out to the Ego. In my mind ego is like a little devil that lies to our head and heart. Yes, we spend
    A lot of time in our cars driving here and there...it's transportation for cryin out loud and feng shui doesn't apply anymore than a soiled pair of underwear or a shoe
    that stepped in Dog poop...

    Feng Shui may apply to the neighborhood you park in or drive through so it's more important to drive or ride your bike with your attentions on the road and your mind on where you are going...less on where you've been or look like. Just sayin

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    1. Dear Anonymous (whose writing style an awfully lot like my friend Stan from Texas):

      My Prius' license plate is absolute truth. I'm not claiming that we get 62 mpg on a daily basis. But twice now my husband has gotten 63 mpg on the trip between downtown Honolulu and Ko Olina (it's flat as a pancake the whole way). We have a lot of hilly terrain on the commute between our house and downtown and we are currently running about 51/52 mpg on that stretch. We buy the cheapest gas available (which ain't cheap at all!) and we have a 10 gallon tank that we fill up about twice a month. We drive it 7 days a week, including the daily commute of 13.1 miles each direction.

      Don't be hatin' on my Prius, Stan...er..Anonymous. LOL

      Kisses to y'all in Texas!
      Kay (a.k.a. the Biz Bitch)

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  5. Holly cow! I had no idea so much thought had gone into Fung Shuing (not sure that's a word) a car. Maybe I ought to pay more attention to that. I may have avoided that fender bender because the dragon was so distracted by my crystals. So the next time I buy a car I should review what day to buy it and what color it should be to avoid all manner of calamities .... LOL.

    BTW, I love your humor and your writing.

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  6. Love your post Kay!

    Imagine the amount of trouble Ford has gone through to sell more cars in China..

    Maybe it would have been better for them to follow the Feng Shui principle of always putting the toilet seat down after you have used the loo. According to Feng Shui they wouldn't have been in such dire straits financially if they had:-))

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Catarina. It's always nice to know that I'm being read in Sweden.

      Kay (aka Biz Bitch)

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  7. Ok, now look here, Hawaii. I know you're all driving around on the beach between barbecues and drinking Malibu and stuff like that, but here in London, we don't even have time to raise a middle finger to people who annoy us any more, let along feng shui the frickin' car we're giving the bird from. My journey to and from work - from moderately pretty Northwest London to the concrete jungle of West London - is as ugly, tedious and mind-numbingly dreary as any car journey you can possibly imagine; no amount of bell ringing, clapping or dragon distracting will change that. Having Borat in my car would be pretty much the only thing that would cheer up my drive and give me some positive energy. So bloody there.

    Ashley, London, England. The good part. Obviously.

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  8. Feng shui for a car!! What will they think of next? When I am in the market for a car, I know what I want and what to look for when I find it.

    I was told the places to check for rust on a car if I was buying a used car. I did that once and got an odd look from the salesman. He asked me what I was doing. When I told him, he was absolutely shocked because:
    (a) Someone knew where to look for rust
    and
    (b) That someone was female and knew what she was
    looking for.

    I made sure that I was not wearing good clothes because I knew that I would be crawling underneath the car.

    I haven;t had a dud car since.

    Sandra
    Perth, Western Australia

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  9. We are extremely lucky up here in Canada because this silliness has not yet reached us. We expect to see such things in California, but not in Detroit where the Ford Motor Company is located. We all know about the US and your crazy ideas. Only in America could an attractive black man like Tyler Perry get filthy rich making movies in which he plays an unattractive black woman. Holy cow, indeed!

    Now you tell us we have to fung shui our cars. I looked at the diagram. Why is health in the middle with wealth sticking out front and fame in the rear, pushing the whole thing? Lucky we have no dragons here. We just have ice hockey, as God intended. I'll be late tonight. Don't wait up.

    Valerie
    Halifax, Nova Scotia
    Home of Sid Crosby, Stanley Cup Winner

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  10. Kay, do you ever know how to write a blog post! That was fun!

    I'm actually a feng shui enthusiast, and over the years have written many articles on the subject.

    You may get a kick out of this one, as it combines the satire you use here with some useful feng shui resources:
    http://doreenpendgracs.com/feng-shui-to-help-combat-a-week-of-distractions/

    Enjoy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doreen, I went to the link you provided in your comment and read about your construction stories. It was very interesting! Alas, I was not able to respond to your request for examples of my vast feng shui knowledge.



      Fortunately, the fact that I am not knowledgeable about feng shui doesn’t keep me from writing about it. If I confined my writing to only things about which I was knowledgeable, I would just have a blog full of completely blank posts. How dull!



      I am knowledgeable about how mess inhibits creativity, however. There’s a lot of truth to the fact that when my house is messy, my brain is messy. And don't get me started about my garage!!!



      I can't tell exactly, but it appears that you live in Manitoba, Canada. Lovely place, Manitoba.

      Delete
  11. Hi Kay - Great Blog....two thoughts come to mind:

    1. They actually PAY People to think this stuff up!
    2. People actually USE this info in their decision making process.

    SO I tried Feng Shui in my pick up truck....but....everytime I opened the window on the road, the sand from my garden in the back seat blew into my face and mouth, and one particularly windy gust carried away the rake.....

    So I put the rock back in my yard, and chalked it up as a "been there. done that" moment. LOL

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  12. Jaysus, I read this only because I thought "Feng Shui" meant something else.....LOL

    God knows, I can use all the help against negative energies that I can get right now. I just wanna be like your BFF Bernice and make lots of money so I read it anyway.

    I'm surprised at how much I knew already. IE> I knew the YIN closet was bigger than the YAN closet. I thought everybody knew that so what does that have to do with Feng Shui.....

    OK, so I'm checkin the diagram...I find me brain is in the side view mirror, my fame is in the trunk and me money is in the engine...so that's where it went, on gas I suppose.
    I already have a picture in the glove box....an 8"x10" of the grim reaper. I hang that on the rear view mirror when the Missus is driving (which is alwaaaaays)

    I'll let yis all know what happens when I ring the hand bells in the car this evening when the Missus is driving.

    As for "Bagua"...isn't that what women wear in the Middle East? All I know now is that it surrounds my car. What the????

    Kay, there is some stuff we don't need to know....LOL

    Feng Shit my arse.

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  13. BTW, BrendanFella lives in The mistake on the Lake, Cleveland (OK, not in it)
    Originally from Dublin Ireland

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  14. My mom tried Vasthu Shastra when everything started going the wrong way. She said, my father was very sick, and every way she tried to treat him was not getting any good results. Then some one said to do correct the Vasthu for the home. She spend a lot of money and constructed another room as told. Now she says everything is better.
    So may be people are getting the benefit of Feng shui. I think, it is the mind that plays the trick.

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  15. I'm terribly disappointed in Ford. Is a feng shui chart the best Ford can do? I'd have expected at least a driver side door aquarium for my tetra, bagua rear-view mirror, feng shui color options, and a peppermint plant holder in the back for the dragon.(There is, after all, nothing worse than dragon breath in an enclosed space.)

    By the way, I did try some feng shui at home recently. I moved the yang, I mean husband, into another bedroom. No change in fortune so far, but I am sleeping better!

    LizZ
    San Peeeeeedro (as opposed to San Paydro), CA

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    1. I'm sorry, Liz, but you gotta get that bum out of your house. Do you want me to fly over there and "feng shui" his ass to the curb?

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    2. If Ford a coffee maker in the car, then we would have something to discuss. Meanwhile, how about a place for women to put their purses other than on the back seat with an old catalogue, a visor and a snow scraper.

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  16. I don't really bother much with yin asnd yan and feng shui in the car. I don't see how ringing a few bells can get you more miles per gallon.

    A dragon connected by a tow rope might help but their breath plays havoc with the paintwork.

    Vincent Swift
    Lancashire UK

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  17. Seriously? This is "anything to make a buck" gone to far. I could see it from a furniture store but Ford? And how is anyone supposed to ring a bell while driving. That would mean they'd have to put the cell phone down or drive hands free! Then we'd need feng shui in the emergency room.... or the morgue!

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  18. Joshi
    I remember a movie Solulent Green or some such futuristic disease scenario with Charlton Heston.

    They had some special room one could go to when they got to tired to deal with it all. That room had some terrific Feng Shui with music and pictures of flowers, beaches, waving fields of grain, sunsets, mountains, and ocean waves. I suppose the shot of whatever cool aid they gave before sending one on the the processing plant came after all the tax forms were complete, but that's not the point. I think the point is that room and the visions that played within reside inside each of us and we can play it anytime...I'd like to think that room in my mind has far more FS than any the Big Three Ad agencies could ever come up with and I don't need to sell my body for fish food to view it. When I buy another car, if I ever do, it will be based on engineering, economy, and good common sense, not some plastic flower or leaves that grow on the dash.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,
      I remember Soylent Green. Charlton Heston. I don't know what it has to do with feng shui but it was a great movie. My favorite line is from that movie:

      "I know....When you were young, people were better."
      "Aw, nuts. People were always rotten. But the world 'was' beautiful."

      That has nothing to do with feng shui either. But dammit, I like it. Soylent Red, Soylent Yellow, and new delicious Soylent Green! Tasty. LOL

      BTW, I see a lot of you "anonymous" folks. Family reunions must be huge.

      Jim in a state of denial

      Delete
  19. Will Feng Shui protect me from the crazy Mumbai traffic? Then I am all set for it.

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  20. I like your idea of hey, pay attention to protection and air bags. Not sure if designer car stuff is for me. Actually, I'm sure it is NOT.

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  21. I wish my yang would put the toliet seat down. We had a talk about that a long time ago and his thing was that he has to put it up if I put it down so it's not fair. I never fought it much. I'm a pro at putting the seat down while I'm half asleep. He is lucky I haven't fell in yet though.

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  22. Another gem of a post, Kay! I never would have predicted that I would start my day looking up various Chinese philosophies in Wikipedia and then wondering whether the small annoying rattle I occasionally hear near the left rear corner of my car might be the spirit of a distant relative.

    I take my Prius in this month for routine maintenance. Maybe I need the car's spirits rotated and re-aligned. I hope it's covered under the warranty.

    And finally, thank you for opening my eyes to the possibility that my future job might be as an automotive ontologist or (given machine intelligence) an automotive epistemologist.

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  23. Once again your posting had me laughing my ass off - then I realized that since Ford has unloaded Volvo (and I do love my Volvo) on a Chinese auto maker maybe I should start taking this feng shui thing more seriously. With the aggressive drivers on the NYS Thruways I can use all the protection I can get.

    Jessica New York City

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  24. Design? Design? Who gives a hoot about design. Could someone in the Motor City invent something to eliminate a blind spot? Is that too much to ask? I'm lucky my car goes where I want it to. I'm a Saturn owner, having had one for 13 wonderful years. "Goldie" got 37 miles to the gallon highway, still, after all we had been through. And then one day, the steering wasn't working. I took her in and the cradle that holds the engine in place was rusted out. I think that sounds pretty serious, but to find another to replace it was impossible. That car had major feng shui, and didn't come with any fancy diagram. It ran. Seriously, can Ford say the same thing?

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  25. I must agree with the person who suggested putting a coffee maker in the automobile. Doesn't excellent feng shui always include a water feature? A single-cup drip maker in my Peugeot would solve the water problem and make things very hyggelige to boot. Note to Ford: Install Keurig Elite in all models immediately.

    Henrik Jensen
    København,Denmark

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  26. In my Ford glove box I have pixs of my keiki when they were younger...good memories. Leianne Kailua HI

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  27. That other F stands for fantastic, right?

    First, let me begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this post. From both your blog, and the comment you left on my blog, I gather that you have a wonderfully dry wit, which is rather infectious. I'm loving it.

    I was unaware that feng shui applied to cars. I mean, there's not much one can rearrange in a car... legally. You didn't have to tell me that 75% of the wealth and relationship energy is outside the car... anyone that goes on a roadtrip learns that rather quickly!

    As a guy, I'd just like to point out that there is ALWAYS a closer parking spot. :)

    I was unaware that Yin and Yang could represent femininity and masculinity... in fact, I was so mind blown that I googled it. Naturally, the first source says that this representation can be troublesome. Well yeah, when you're using it to rationalize the hogging of closet space, there are clearly some issues. :P How many hats can you possibly have? Poor guy.

    Anyway, thanks again for such a lovely comment. You've got a wonderful blog here. And to respond to your comment, I wouldn't necessarily call it a flaw to not want to sit in pants full of my excrement. XD

    PS: I'm surprised the stale candy bar isn't a problem for the dragon.

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  28. This Blog needs a Facebook "Like Button" under comments left. There are some really great responses to your blog, Kay.

    Okay, I am looking at the Ford design and wonder if my car has closet feng-shui tendencies. My career is at the nose of the car, but was the first to crash, I have had relationships in the back seat before. The reclining bucket seat was a vast improvement in my opinion. My wealth is out the window, and with ASE Certified Mechanics getting $75 a "job-hour" to work on the engine, that seems appropriate it's in the engine compartment. My head-on career crash has left my fame in the trunk too. I did hit a cow once with a car. Several have referenced "Holy Cows" here. I thought they were only worshiped in India, but I can say, that the impact did ring my bell at 65MPH.

    This is a family channel, so talking about my Yang seems a little personal, but lifting and lowering the seat should be equally the responsibility of the user. I wouldn't fall out of my car because someone forgot to shut the door, why would I blame someone else for splashing down like a space capsule upon re-entry?

    You got the closet, Yin up!

    Scott
    Madison IN

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  29. Is it okay for me to say that I loved this even if I don't have something clever or a funny story to add to this list. All of your readers are so witty it makes me feel very inadequate. But I still thought it was funny and interesting. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.

    Maggie
    Perkasie, Pennsylvania

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  30. Loved this article. However, according to your assessment, I'm screwed. LoL. Damn, now I can't go that ridiculously boring meeting tonight. Thank you for the excuse that I couldn't drive because the Feng Shui in my car wouldn't allow it.

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  31. This was a great post! Love your play on words with this. Very entertaining. Also, when you think about it, we can spend a lot of time in our cars, so why not have it top Feng Shui shape.

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  32. Very funny post! I didn't realize feng shui was so intricate. I am totally not feng shui savvy and this post just proved that to me many-fold. Oh my goodness. I have enough time just putting my mail away, let alone worrying about drawing away the attention of the dragon from my protection. :-)

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  33. My husband totally disagrees with the yin yang style. He once found a bunch of my old stockings in the top of his wardrobe. He said, "This is not manly at all I should have engine parts in there."

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  34. Ha! The lengths that Ford will go to in order to sell vehicles. Vehicle voice activation still creeps me out, so I doubt I'll be worrying about feng shui in my Escape anytime soon. I rather like the amethyst that dangles from the rearview mirror. Kinda makes me miss my Mustang though ;) Or, maybe I should feng shui my ride since I'm prone to fender benders...

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